No small talk

Some thoughts from my Monday morning commute on the TriMet number 9 bus… mobile post, might not make any sense.

Do you have memories of things you’ve done or said that make you cringe? Maybe it’s just me that thinks back on the pas sometimes and wishes I could just erase some of these things. I know that it is these things which make me who I am, so in the end I’m ok with it. Although some of the following memories have some strong emotions of embarrassment, I’m listing them anyway because these are in the past and I need to just lay it down and be who o know I am, whether or not I’m embarrassed. Most of these things are little, but for some reason or another they have or do provoke some feelings that made/make me cringe.

2nd grade – kicking my desk when I got frustrated with math.

2nd grade – lying to a teacher about a jump rope being stolen, getting another (“popular”) classmate in trouble.

5th grade – Not understanding my math homework, and then getting a “white slip”, which was the highest in fraction, for not completing it.

6th grade – Crying after my English teacher mistakenly accused me of lying about finishing a book when indeed I had.

7th grade – being told by one of my best friends “to away, don’t sit here” at lunch on the first day of school and my very emotional response.

In more recent years it’s been a number of speaking opportunities that have haunted me, one was just last spring, mostly because I didn’t receive any productive feedback nor has anyone offered to have me speak again, total insecurity here, I know I need to just askand learn.

I always cringe when I don’t follow up on things I’m leading, I hate it when I fail in my own values, I know I’m just human In a mesed up world.

Love overcomes performance, that’s the bottom line, live it, think it, speak it.

I have a lot of principles, values, and priorities that I like to tell myself I live by.  Things like honesty, loving others, being a good listener, integrity, authenticity, etc.  Many of which are of course motivated by my relationship with God.  However, I can say and proclaim as many of these things as I want until I’m blue in the face… none of it matters.  None of it matters unless I’m actually doing these things, being true to them.. Now this sounds pretty harsh, even borderline religious or legalistic.

I don’t like lying to myself, I don’t like saying I am one thing, when really I am not.  I’ll go as far as to say, if you call yourself a Christian, if you have a relationship with Jesus, and you’re not living out your values… then you’re probably experiencing some fairly stressful feelings and situations.  I say this because every time I do something against what I value, I feel it, I feel the stress of being at odds with myself (normally by being grumpy, rude, mean to my wife).  So, this is why I actually schedule my values into my calendar, so that I can live out my priorities, and nurture my values.  In this structure I experience life, fellowship, friendship, love, knowledge, family, and all within balance.  It’s freedom, even though at first it’s discipline, but discipline leads to freedom, trust me, I’ve lived it.  Don’t lie to yourself.

Nike got it right with “just do it” – I think the most effective way of learning (once given some proper guidance and with good caring mentorship) is to “just do it”.  With the proper support, love, care, it’s okay to just do it – without fear of devastating failure, why not?  I also believe (and from my own experience) just doing it/something is one of the best ways to re-train our minds (what Paul in the book of Romans refers to as “the renewing of the mind”).

I really can not recall a time where I “just did it” and regretted the learning outcome, I honestly can’t.  Each time I have been rewarded with the fantastic feeling of overcoming fears, more confidence, and just good warm fuzzies.  Of course having a good coach and cheerleader behind you is key to the success of “just do it”.  Sometimes (just ask Alexis) I find myself saying JUST DO IT without the encouragement and support that I have been given…. um don’t do that to others, and don’t let yourself be in that place… it’s not fun, for either party.

I was just listening to “stop and stare” by OneRepublic, it’s the first time I’ve really listened to it closely. The line that catches my attention is “You start to wonder why you’re here not there”. My interpretation of this is similar to what I was thinking about earlier.

A lot of time, at least for me, is thinking about how I want to be “there” weather that’s about how people perceive me, how I’m performing, or even as vain as how I look, there’s always more… Sometimes I need to just stop and stare, realize what I’ve got is incredible blessings, promises, opportunities, and love around just about every corner!

One would hope that after being on this planet for nearly 30 years I would be comfortable being myself… but for whatever reasons stupid insecurities still creep up, and it drives me fricken crazy.  It’s always silly stuff too, but I realize it’s always the things that haunted me as a grade schooler as well… the same feelings.  So, I can either just accept this, as part of who I am and really just be okay with it, or I can continue to be distracted and held back by it.

I want to just be ok, but it’s a matter of retraining my head to match my heart, and both of them to match reality/truth – no one really cares about the things that I feel embarrassed/insecure about.  It’s ok!  The thoughts in my head are always whispering about what people think of me… and I’m here to say the truth – people like me!  It’s been hard enough to get where I am, I don’t need to keep on “working” at it.  This is one thing that I think I’m okay with saying “I’ve arrived” – now get off the plane and see reality for what it’s always been.

This post isn’t prompted by anything, well I guess it kind of is, but nothing specific, and not b/c of any recent conversation.  One of the reasons I have not been posting as often, is the thought that I need to entertain, write something very interesting, or I have such a passionate thing to write but feel like no one really cares… all of this is just my stupid performance complex, and it doesn’t really matter.  I like to write, I like to talk about all kinds of things, but I don’t like small talk.  I don’t like conversations that have sentences ending with “um yeah”, or “anyways”, or “and so, yeah, how about them Mariners?”

Life means a lot to me, yet I don’t really talk about why so much these days… except with the “safe” people at Church, but so many of “them” are to busy doing something to actually go beyond small talk.  So I end up not being satisfied with many of my conversations… but I don’t blame anyone, a little bit of my self, but I know I’m only human so I don’t beat myself up too badly.  Well enough of this small talk, let’s move forward, ok?

So I have no idea who even reads this on any regular basis… apparently there are still about 43 people subscribed to the feed… so someone cares

Now, what do I have to say these days?  I guess a lot, but not a lot.  There are a lot of hot topics out there, many of which have all kinds of commentary you can easily find.  So what can I talk about that is unique?  Different?  Relevant? – that’s my challenge.  A lot of people simply don’t like to read a lot, I myself find it hard to read long posts.  So how do I write something that I myself would read?  That’s my conundrum.

So I’ll talk about myself, it’s easy enough, and might be interesting to someone, and certainly isn’t repeating anything anyone else is talking about….

I’ll keep it short, and hopefully give some extra time to each point in following posts… firstly, I’m finding myself come full circle in a lot of things, but mostly in my faith in Jesus.  For the past few years I kept looking for “more”, to find some kind of “better” experience, a life with Christ that was “more” like the early church.  In this pseudo journey for “more” I have discovered that I had it all along, it’s just that I was looking for others to do it, when in reality, it only takes me to have a church experience that I desired.

You might ask, what kind of things was I desiring?  Authenticity, generosity, genuine love, and hearts after God.  It seems that somewhere along the way I forgot that God used humans, people who make mistakes.  Over the past few years I have realized that those things that I listed are all it takes to see the magnificent things of the early Church show up in today’s Church.   The key to provoking that kind of culture in our churches?  Humility, repentance, and forgiveness!

Any group of believers who have humility, repentance, and forgiveness as their foundation for relationship building, will experience the authenticity, generosity, genuine love, and heart of God in people,  just as the early Church did.  This is what I believe Jesus meant when he said “and even greater things you will do”.  What’s greater than healing the sick, raising the dead, and the repentance of sin?  It’s people living in harmony, love, and for each other rather than themselves!

So much of the time I shy away from writing something on here because I begin to think for people, and most of the time I think they’ll think I’m being too negative, or I think they’ll read it as “complaining”, I just want to let you know (even if you never thought those things) that my heart has never been in those places, although my mood certainly has.  I’m in a place in my life where I’m feeling good and content with where God has me, and at the same time, I’m discontent with where I spend most of my days, stuck up in an office.

The funny thing is, I really like my job, but when I start to think about the time it requires I am not too happy with it, as I would much rather be free to meet with friends, have coffee (or beer), love on people, spend time with my bride and daughter, etc.  However, I still really like the job, and I love working with the people God has placed around me.  It’s kind of a weird paradox, a love/hate kind of issue.  So, overall I am content, but there is definitely something inside me that wants more, and I’m trying very hard to hear what God has to say about that.

I know it is through discipline in Christ that I’ll find fulfillment.  Today I was reading Proverbs 12, and the first verse captured me – “To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction” – I’ve always been one to accept correction, to seek his discipline….  that is at least what people could see.  Now that God has been showing me (through marriage) how much more I need to seek his discipline, I have found myself unusually closed up, unwanting to change.

Thankfully, I think God is turning a key, opening a door, and doing new and greater things in me.  I think I’ve began to let him.  It’s hard, it burns, but it feels right.  As seek his healing in these areas I know his promises will become true, and I’ll be more free.

A world without God is a world that I fear to imagine.  Yet many people live in a world without God, they go about day to day, without any more than a fleeting idea of God.  So why am I so fearful to imagine a world without God?  Because I know God, I live with God around me, in me, and through me.  Because even though I fail to obey, and I do things which are contrary to God’s word, I find that the God’s grace is more than just a simple “I forgive you”, it’s a reality in which I know that no matter how I live, my God will be there for me to turn to.  Humans can turn God into so much, from a letter of the law judge, to a magic fairy who grants you everything you ever wanted.  In my experience God is neither, God is mysterious, yet personal, God is loving, yet just.

If I were to imagine a world without my God, I would see a world full of hurt, evil, injustice, greed, abuse, hunger, confusion, and chaos with no way out.  As I make the choice to draw closer to God, I see that the love, justice, freedom, life, authority are not just benefits, but are the way God shows his intense affection for me, for us.  Take away those things and it’s one big world, and a huge void.  I was in that void once before, I never want to go back.  Yet everyday I make choices which are either of the world, or of God.  When I follow God’s ways, I am fulfilled, when I choose my own, worldly way, I am sick, troubled, and empty – not because I feel some “religious guilt” but because I know what the feelings of true satisfaction in God are – they are not easily explained in words, and that satisfaction is what I live for.  If had to choose one word to try and describe it – it would be peace.

Reaching this peace requires a lot of flesh burning, a lot of humility, and in the end a lot of forgiveness.  It’s well worth it, trust me.

I’m being reminded throughout my days that even the small acts of giving are huge for many people.  Giving a smile, or holding the door just a moment longer, sticking your hand in a closing (old) elevator door for someone far down the hall, can speak volumes to people.  For some reason though my “default” mode of “thinking ahead” often times hinders me from catching these moments to serve and give a piece of who my God.  When I am in the right mode though, and I am thinking beyond what I need to do next, it is an amazing thing to watch how listening to God on these things opens doors into the soul of another person.  My soul thrives when I give up myself, when I choose to burn a bit of my needs for those of another, my soul thrives to water others.

Life is about God and people, and His love in ourselves and in others is what I want to focus on.  Most days though I am simply “in default mode” – my prayer is for “default” (read as doing what I’ve always done and don’t really like to do, but do it anyway) to redefined to reflect a life of giving in the little areas.