Life – Page 7 – No Small Talk

Always more

I was just listening to “stop and stare” by OneRepublic, it’s the first time I’ve really listened to it closely. The line that catches my attention is “You start to wonder why you’re here not there”. My interpretation of this is similar to what I was thinking about earlier.

A lot of time, at least for me, is thinking about how I want to be “there” weather that’s about how people perceive me, how I’m performing, or even as vain as how I look, there’s always more… Sometimes I need to just stop and stare, realize what I’ve got is incredible blessings, promises, opportunities, and love around just about every corner!

Being comfortable in my own skin

One would hope that after being on this planet for nearly 30 years I would be comfortable being myself… but for whatever reasons stupid insecurities still creep up, and it drives me fricken crazy. It’s always silly stuff too, but I realize it’s always the things that haunted me as a grade schooler as well… the same feelings. So, I can either just accept this, as part of who I am and really just be okay with it, or I can continue to be distracted and held back by it.

I want to just be ok, but it’s a matter of retraining my head to match my heart, and both of them to match reality/truth – no one really cares about the things that I feel embarrassed/insecure about. It’s ok! The thoughts in my head are always whispering about what people think of me… and I’m here to say the truth – people like me! It’s been hard enough to get where I am, I don’t need to keep on “working” at it. This is one thing that I think I’m okay with saying “I’ve arrived” – now get off the plane and see reality for what it’s always been.

I hate small talk… and other random things.

This post isn’t prompted by anything, well I guess it kind of is, but nothing specific, and not b/c of any recent conversation. One of the reasons I have not been posting as often, is the thought that I need to entertain, write something very interesting, or I have such a passionate thing to write but feel like no one really cares… all of this is just my stupid performance complex, and it doesn’t really matter. I like to write, I like to talk about all kinds of things, but I don’t like small talk. I don’t like conversations that have sentences ending with “um yeah”, or “anyways”, or “and so, yeah, how about them Mariners?”

Life means a lot to me, yet I don’t really talk about why so much these days… except with the “safe” people at Church, but so many of “them” are to busy doing something to actually go beyond small talk. So I end up not being satisfied with many of my conversations… but I don’t blame anyone, a little bit of my self, but I know I’m only human so I don’t beat myself up too badly. Well enough of this small talk, let’s move forward, ok?

A real post, for real

So I have no idea who even reads this on any regular basis… apparently there are still about 43 people subscribed to the feed… so someone cares 🙂

Now, what do I have to say these days? I guess a lot, but not a lot. There are a lot of hot topics out there, many of which have all kinds of commentary you can easily find. So what can I talk about that is unique? Different? Relevant? – that’s my challenge. A lot of people simply don’t like to read a lot, I myself find it hard to read long posts. So how do I write something that I myself would read? That’s my conundrum.

So I’ll talk about myself, it’s easy enough, and might be interesting to someone, and certainly isn’t repeating anything anyone else is talking about….

I’ll keep it short, and hopefully give some extra time to each point in following posts… firstly, I’m finding myself come full circle in a lot of things, but mostly in my faith in Jesus. For the past few years I kept looking for “more”, to find some kind of “better” experience, a life with Christ that was “more” like the early church. In this pseudo journey for “more” I have discovered that I had it all along, it’s just that I was looking for others to do it, when in reality, it only takes me to have a church experience that I desired.

You might ask, what kind of things was I desiring? Authenticity, generosity, genuine love, and hearts after God. It seems that somewhere along the way I forgot that God used humans, people who make mistakes. Over the past few years I have realized that those things that I listed are all it takes to see the magnificent things of the early Church show up in today’s Church. The key to provoking that kind of culture in our churches? Humility, repentance, and forgiveness!

Any group of believers who have humility, repentance, and forgiveness as their foundation for relationship building, will experience the authenticity, generosity, genuine love, and heart of God in people, just as the early Church did. This is what I believe Jesus meant when he said “and even greater things you will do”. What’s greater than healing the sick, raising the dead, and the repentance of sin? It’s people living in harmony, love, and for each other rather than themselves!

A swarm of thoughts

So much of the time I shy away from writing something on here because I begin to think for people, and most of the time I think they’ll think I’m being too negative, or I think they’ll read it as “complaining”, I just want to let you know (even if you never thought those things) that my heart has never been in those places, although my mood certainly has. I’m in a place in my life where I’m feeling good and content with where God has me, and at the same time, I’m discontent with where I spend most of my days, stuck up in an office.

The funny thing is, I really like my job, but when I start to think about the time it requires I am not too happy with it, as I would much rather be free to meet with friends, have coffee (or beer), love on people, spend time with my bride and daughter, etc. However, I still really like the job, and I love working with the people God has placed around me. It’s kind of a weird paradox, a love/hate kind of issue. So, overall I am content, but there is definitely something inside me that wants more, and I’m trying very hard to hear what God has to say about that.

I know it is through discipline in Christ that I’ll find fulfillment. Today I was reading Proverbs 12, and the first verse captured me – “To learn, you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction” – I’ve always been one to accept correction, to seek his discipline…. that is at least what people could see. Now that God has been showing me (through marriage) how much more I need to seek his discipline, I have found myself unusually closed up, unwanting to change.

Thankfully, I think God is turning a key, opening a door, and doing new and greater things in me. I think I’ve began to let him. It’s hard, it burns, but it feels right. As seek his healing in these areas I know his promises will become true, and I’ll be more free.

A world without God.

A world without God is a world that I fear to imagine. Yet many people live in a world without God, they go about day to day, without any more than a fleeting idea of God. So why am I so fearful to imagine a world without God? Because I know God, I live with God around me, in me, and through me. Because even though I fail to obey, and I do things which are contrary to God’s word, I find that the God’s grace is more than just a simple “I forgive you”, it’s a reality in which I know that no matter how I live, my God will be there for me to turn to. Humans can turn God into so much, from a letter of the law judge, to a magic fairy who grants you everything you ever wanted. In my experience God is neither, God is mysterious, yet personal, God is loving, yet just.

If I were to imagine a world without my God, I would see a world full of hurt, evil, injustice, greed, abuse, hunger, confusion, and chaos with no way out. As I make the choice to draw closer to God, I see that the love, justice, freedom, life, authority are not just benefits, but are the way God shows his intense affection for me, for us. Take away those things and it’s one big world, and a huge void. I was in that void once before, I never want to go back. Yet everyday I make choices which are either of the world, or of God. When I follow God’s ways, I am fulfilled, when I choose my own, worldly way, I am sick, troubled, and empty – not because I feel some “religious guilt” but because I know what the feelings of true satisfaction in God are – they are not easily explained in words, and that satisfaction is what I live for. If had to choose one word to try and describe it – it would be peace.

Reaching this peace requires a lot of flesh burning, a lot of humility, and in the end a lot of forgiveness. It’s well worth it, trust me.

Giving a little

I’m being reminded throughout my days that even the small acts of giving are huge for many people. Giving a smile, or holding the door just a moment longer, sticking your hand in a closing (old) elevator door for someone far down the hall, can speak volumes to people. For some reason though my “default” mode of “thinking ahead” often times hinders me from catching these moments to serve and give a piece of who my God. When I am in the right mode though, and I am thinking beyond what I need to do next, it is an amazing thing to watch how listening to God on these things opens doors into the soul of another person. My soul thrives when I give up myself, when I choose to burn a bit of my needs for those of another, my soul thrives to water others.

Life is about God and people, and His love in ourselves and in others is what I want to focus on. Most days though I am simply “in default mode” – my prayer is for “default” (read as doing what I’ve always done and don’t really like to do, but do it anyway) to redefined to reflect a life of giving in the little areas.

Giving

So often we talk about surrendering and giving God “everything”, yesterday on my (very long) ride home I began to think of all the possibilities of life… if I gave “everything” – it was amazing. It is frustrating to think of how it could be, and how much my selfish pride keeps me from doing it.

Many times I feel stuck due to the “responsibilites” of this world – which in a way are part of my “giving everything” – if I’m going to “give” everything I better give these responsibilites to God as well. I think giving him “everything” must include giving him our attitudes towards work, our spouses, our relationships, and all the other responsibilities – and then allowing him to work in those things – not running from them.

It’s time to surrender this stuff, to give God my worries, frustrations, and all the details – I can’t do it anyway. At the same time I have to see what he is asking and how.

Afraid of confrontation?

I do not like confrontation, and even though I have found it to be necessary, and many times the best and most healthy thing to do, I find myself wanting to avoid it at all costs. Sometimes, I still physically have tremors in a confrontational situation. However, after resolving the conflict I am always grateful that I got to the bottom of it and found resolve. I have a fairly strong belief which I live by, and it’s the idea that leaving things unresolved creates holes between people, and causes even the little things to eventually build up into feelings that take a long time to untangle.

In the Church this is even more critical and I believe it is a necessity if we want healthy churches. I could go on and quote a lot of scripture, and I know it’s there but I’m too tired to go look it all up right now, yet these things are more of a learned idea then a studied one. We don’t have much of a choice in the Church to avoid confrontation, we should be living together reconciling differences, and sharpening each other. When we notice something of another person, we should be able to confront them in love. This last sentence though comes with a lot of weight, our culture doesn’t cultivate loving confrontation very well, if at all.

Instead of lovingly correcting, encouraging, or pointing out flaws, our culture likes to put people down, discourage, and give “last chances”. It isn’t that a “last chance” is wrong, or even that it isn’t necessary at times – it’s that within the context of the Church that people get treated like the rest of the world. Jesus didn’t say to give people a last chance (that’s his job), he directed us to do the most we can do here on earth to encourage people towards him.

I could write a whole lot more, and I probably will. My last thought for tonight – without honest, loving, graceful truth-filled confrontation the Church can’t function as a light. We need people to be built up, lovingly guiding, encouraging, and confronting. If people are over promising and under delivering in the Church, that isn’t light producing, and it requires adjustment, and many times it will be you who needs to help adjust another part in the body.

Fear and Surrender

The potential of a person is not for other people to determine, it is only for other people to encourage. Seeing a person be insecure, unable to talk, and unable to identify their own passions is something which stirs me to action. My heart is moved and many times God’s voice clearly says “speak my truth” – the truth that all people have a purpose, and it’s more than they can imagine, and it scares them to death. The risks involved are almost always the issue. We can’t be stupid, we’ve been given knowledge for a reason, however, and the knowledge is a tool, not the means. For me, faith comes into play when what I know God is asking, is impossible without Him.

Many times I realize that if I am dwelling on how God will come through, I just end up waiting longer and longer – it’s when I surrender, straight away or quickly after a quick panic, that God begins to show me/us the blessings – and usually it is in ways that I would never have done on my own. Surrendering is the key, without surrender, it becomes a burden, and I know that once something feels like a burden I am not letting God be in control. I have found these last few ideas to be the greatest confidence building tools for myself, and I have witnessed others take these steps and become amazing leaders as well.

Bottom line (not to be read as reducing to a pat Christian “answer”, but rather encompassing everything above into a thought producing idea for further pondering): When fear arises, what does God say? Is it a risk to do what God asks? When you address the fear speak with the authority you have been given (see the end of any of the Gospels and what Jesus says to the disciples, and us, the descendants)!