No small talk

Some thoughts from my Monday morning commute on the TriMet number 9 bus… mobile post, might not make any sense.

Do you have memories of things you’ve done or said that make you cringe? Maybe it’s just me that thinks back on the pas sometimes and wishes I could just erase some of these things. I know that it is these things which make me who I am, so in the end I’m ok with it. Although some of the following memories have some strong emotions of embarrassment, I’m listing them anyway because these are in the past and I need to just lay it down and be who o know I am, whether or not I’m embarrassed. Most of these things are little, but for some reason or another they have or do provoke some feelings that made/make me cringe.

2nd grade – kicking my desk when I got frustrated with math.

2nd grade – lying to a teacher about a jump rope being stolen, getting another (“popular”) classmate in trouble.

5th grade – Not understanding my math homework, and then getting a “white slip”, which was the highest in fraction, for not completing it.

6th grade – Crying after my English teacher mistakenly accused me of lying about finishing a book when indeed I had.

7th grade – being told by one of my best friends “to away, don’t sit here” at lunch on the first day of school and my very emotional response.

In more recent years it’s been a number of speaking opportunities that have haunted me, one was just last spring, mostly because I didn’t receive any productive feedback nor has anyone offered to have me speak again, total insecurity here, I know I need to just askand learn.

I always cringe when I don’t follow up on things I’m leading, I hate it when I fail in my own values, I know I’m just human In a mesed up world.

Love overcomes performance, that’s the bottom line, live it, think it, speak it.

So I have no idea who even reads this on any regular basis… apparently there are still about 43 people subscribed to the feed… so someone cares

Now, what do I have to say these days?  I guess a lot, but not a lot.  There are a lot of hot topics out there, many of which have all kinds of commentary you can easily find.  So what can I talk about that is unique?  Different?  Relevant? – that’s my challenge.  A lot of people simply don’t like to read a lot, I myself find it hard to read long posts.  So how do I write something that I myself would read?  That’s my conundrum.

So I’ll talk about myself, it’s easy enough, and might be interesting to someone, and certainly isn’t repeating anything anyone else is talking about….

I’ll keep it short, and hopefully give some extra time to each point in following posts… firstly, I’m finding myself come full circle in a lot of things, but mostly in my faith in Jesus.  For the past few years I kept looking for “more”, to find some kind of “better” experience, a life with Christ that was “more” like the early church.  In this pseudo journey for “more” I have discovered that I had it all along, it’s just that I was looking for others to do it, when in reality, it only takes me to have a church experience that I desired.

You might ask, what kind of things was I desiring?  Authenticity, generosity, genuine love, and hearts after God.  It seems that somewhere along the way I forgot that God used humans, people who make mistakes.  Over the past few years I have realized that those things that I listed are all it takes to see the magnificent things of the early Church show up in today’s Church.   The key to provoking that kind of culture in our churches?  Humility, repentance, and forgiveness!

Any group of believers who have humility, repentance, and forgiveness as their foundation for relationship building, will experience the authenticity, generosity, genuine love, and heart of God in people,  just as the early Church did.  This is what I believe Jesus meant when he said “and even greater things you will do”.  What’s greater than healing the sick, raising the dead, and the repentance of sin?  It’s people living in harmony, love, and for each other rather than themselves!

I’m being reminded throughout my days that even the small acts of giving are huge for many people.  Giving a smile, or holding the door just a moment longer, sticking your hand in a closing (old) elevator door for someone far down the hall, can speak volumes to people.  For some reason though my “default” mode of “thinking ahead” often times hinders me from catching these moments to serve and give a piece of who my God.  When I am in the right mode though, and I am thinking beyond what I need to do next, it is an amazing thing to watch how listening to God on these things opens doors into the soul of another person.  My soul thrives when I give up myself, when I choose to burn a bit of my needs for those of another, my soul thrives to water others.

Life is about God and people, and His love in ourselves and in others is what I want to focus on.  Most days though I am simply “in default mode” – my prayer is for “default” (read as doing what I’ve always done and don’t really like to do, but do it anyway) to redefined to reflect a life of giving in the little areas.

So often we talk about surrendering and giving God “everything”, yesterday on my (very long) ride home I began to think of all the possibilities of life… if I gave “everything” – it was amazing. It is frustrating to think of how it could be, and how much my selfish pride keeps me from doing it.

Many times I feel stuck due to the “responsibilites” of this world – which in a way are part of my “giving everything” – if I’m going to “give” everything I better give these responsibilites to God as well. I think giving him “everything” must include giving him our attitudes towards work, our spouses, our relationships, and all the other responsibilities – and then allowing him to work in those things – not running from them.

It’s time to surrender this stuff, to give God my worries, frustrations, and all the details – I can’t do it anyway. At the same time I have to see what he is asking and how.

I do not like confrontation, and even though I have found it to be necessary, and many times the best and most healthy thing to do, I find myself wanting to avoid it at all costs.  Sometimes, I still physically have tremors in a confrontational situation.  However, after resolving the conflict I am always grateful that I got to the bottom of it and found resolve.  I have a fairly strong belief which I live by, and it’s the idea that leaving things unresolved creates holes between people, and causes even the little things to eventually build up into feelings that take a long time to untangle.

In the Church this is even more critical and I believe it is a necessity if we want healthy churches.  I could go on and quote a lot of scripture, and I know it’s there but I’m too tired to go look it all up right now, yet these things are more of a learned idea then a studied one.  We don’t have much of a choice in the Church to avoid confrontation, we should be living together reconciling differences, and sharpening each other.  When we notice something of another person, we should be able to confront them in love. This last sentence though comes with a lot of weight, our culture doesn’t cultivate loving confrontation very well, if at all.

Instead of lovingly correcting, encouraging, or pointing out flaws, our culture likes to put people down, discourage, and give “last chances”.  It isn’t that a “last chance” is wrong, or even that it isn’t necessary at times – it’s that within the context of the Church that people get treated like the rest of the world.  Jesus didn’t say to give people a last chance (that’s his job), he directed us to do the most we can do here on earth to encourage people towards him.

I could write a whole lot more, and I probably will.  My last thought for tonight – without honest, loving, graceful truth-filled confrontation the Church can’t function as a light.  We need people to be built up, lovingly guiding, encouraging, and confronting.  If people are over promising and under delivering in the Church, that isn’t light producing, and it requires adjustment, and many times it will be you who needs to help adjust another part in the body.

The potential of a person is not for other people to determine, it is only for other people to encourage.  Seeing a person be insecure, unable to talk, and unable to identify their own passions is something which stirs me to action.  My heart is moved and many times God’s voice clearly says “speak my truth” – the truth that all people have a purpose, and it’s more than they can imagine, and it scares them to death.  The risks involved are almost always the issue.  We can’t be stupid, we’ve been given knowledge for a reason, however, and the knowledge is a tool, not the means.  For me, faith comes into play when what I know God is asking, is impossible without Him.

Many times I realize that if I am dwelling on how God will come through, I just end up waiting longer and longer – it’s when I surrender, straight away or quickly after a quick panic, that God begins to show me/us the blessings – and usually it is in ways that I would never have done on my own.  Surrendering is the key, without surrender, it becomes a burden, and I know that once something feels like a burden I am not letting God be in control.  I have found these last few ideas to be the greatest confidence building tools for myself, and I have witnessed others take these steps and become amazing leaders as well.

Bottom line (not to be read as reducing to a pat Christian “answer”, but rather encompassing everything above into a thought producing idea for further pondering): When fear arises, what does God say?  Is it a risk to do what God asks?  When you address the fear speak with the authority you have been given (see the end of any of the Gospels and what Jesus says to the disciples, and us, the descendants)!

One of the many reasons I don’t write on here anymore is that, as self-focused as it sounds, I think far to hard about what people may think about what I’m writing.  So, I end up canceling out any thoughts with silly weird arguments about why not to post something.  The whole idea behind this blog in the first place was simply to write about what I was thinking, about life, about God, about people, etc… But with more and more of what I (we) are doing in the future, I feel I need to filter things far more than I would like.

I suppose the challenge is that I should write in a way that I still express myself honestly, and at the same time in a way that honors the God that I so claim to follow and love.  Yet, many times the things I’m thinking about are about the disappointments of life, which are all quite real, and need to be discussed.  I know there are plenty of people who appreciate the reality, but I also know (all to well) there are people who want to “make sure God is involved” – and then there’s the “You’re going to be a missionary, right?, YES!  So, don’t you think you should be positive and focused on God… well yes… but…”  I understand these comments, I really do, and at the same time I strive to not be religious and not be giving pat, common, text-book, Christian answers.  God is far bigger than that.

So here I start on a very long, overdue, rant and soap box… however I will start with the core of my God-given heart’s desire in life….  I wrote the following and realized it was a bit convoluted, but maybe it will start some conversation, and then I can clarify with posts to address the questions and/or discussion that comes – or maybe it will just sit here and I’ll create conversation in my head and post my thoughts as I go…

The strongest passion I have for others is that they be encouraged in their walk with God, and not just in the private aspect of a relationship with God but in the ministry piece.  In fact, sometimes I wonder if our walk with God is truly full unless we are actively ministering to those around us.  I often find myself frustrated, disappointed, and concerned for the “Church” do to the apparent lack of concern for caring (ministry) to others.  Then again, I find myself equally frustrated by myself because I myself do not step up when I know that God has given me many opportunities.

So, as a person who is fully aware of what God is calling me, and my family to do, I am constantly looking for ways to encourage others to trust God, and take risks.  Many times throughout biblical stories we see the characters faced with life-changing risks.  The blessings that come from following through, and having the discipline to honor God with our decisions, are more than I could ever explain in a short posting here.

The challenge every person faces come not in the big decisions, but in the everyday decisions, the choices that are presented to us when we first greet our co-workers in the morning, or how we engage in conversation with our peers.  Yet there are so many forces which drive our interactions with those around us, everything from how our parents treated us, how “popular” we were in school, to poor choices and uncontrollable life circumstances that eat at our soul and take us off track.

Most of what I write is simply me processing the events that I witness, in the Church and outside the Church, as I see people of all statuses and of all walks I am humbled to know God as I do.  I am challenged each day with the ideas of why has God given us, my family,  the joy of having such amazing family and friends…. while others are seemingly aloof, floating around in this world without any connection points.   Then I am reminded that it was because someone, at some point, obeyed God, and reached out, took a while to minister to someone, who did the same, who eventually ministered to me, and the same to Alexis.

I thank God for those that have this discipline, this passion, for I am eternally grateful.  I wish to not be like these people because of these great things, I wish to do these things because our God has an amazing and wonderful life to give us, when we surrender to him.  This is the heart of everything I am, want to be, and will be.  I have nothing to be discouraged by, as long as I am choosing to obey and discipline myself… even then God’s grace is sufficient if I fail to meet “the mark”.

Let those that have ears hear.  May those in the Church be encouraged to take the risks, the “lost” have the choice, only if they experience it though, we also have a choice – but I’m not so sure we can easily forget (that voice is pretty consistent) when we choose to ignore it.

By the way I’m still following Josh’s series – awesome stuff still going on over there…  Visit the latest entry.

After endearing years of sexual confusion, and misidentification, God would use one of the few heterosexual attractions in my life to lead me to Him.  This young lady that I had a crush on, had an encounter with God in 1998, and all throughout my Junior year in high school I would be invited to Church – never taking the invitation seriously.  However, in spring of 1999 I decided to attend a service, only to find out that she had a boyfriend…  

The message that day was about grace – and that we were free to receive it at anytime… it hit a spot inside me, I wasn’t sure why, but it did.  I imagine that the years of confusion, the struggles with my sexuality, and the deepest parts of me wanted to be free of the things that I knew deep down were not right.  Later that year, in the summer, I would be caught up in God’s full grace and have a heart knowledge awareness of it – during the song “Step by step” I could not stop myself from agreeing with the lyrics – I decided that day to let him lead my way – although I had no idea what that would mean.

Did I stop feeling homosexual desires?  - No.  Did I stop masturbating? – No.  Did I understand His grace – No… do I understand it today? – Nope.

What I experienced that day though was the mystery of God – that his grace is unending, that even when I make the conscience decision to disobey, to walkout a fantasy, His grace takes me to a new level of love that only God himself provides.  In these past ten years, I have received grace beyond any understanding.  Each time I fall, I fall harder into His love, and deeper into Him.

My sexuality is deeply connected to who God is to me, it is the core of where he dwells for me, and it is out of this wound, this past, which much of who I am today comes from.  He has redeemed it, to be the instrument in which He uses me to speak from, to live from, and yet it is still the thorn in my side.  The marriage bed has been incredibly healing and incredibly frustrating – that’s my next installment.

Some more thoughts from my commute home, I’ll fix up the post from a computer later.

Ever since the tent incident, I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of “on-demand” pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of which continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just could not get the same level of pleasure.

I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The “friend” from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desiring all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desiring the fantasies.

From 12 years old to 20, I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15, the “friend” finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.

So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago… but I’ll have to write that tomorrow – Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.

So I was debating on writing today, but seeing as I am on the Max that had a 10 min delay due to mechanical issues on the train ahead of us – I’ll write something. I am writing this from my phone and so expect some grammar and spelling issues.

Following up on yesterday’s post, I want to go deeper into the “why” behind my first feelings. Why did I feel shame and guilt at this first sexual experience? Why would that happen?

I have often thought about this because I did not grow up in a strict Christian household. Nonetheless, sex simply wasn’t talked about and most of what I had learned up to that point was all scholastic, simply informational “sex education” as the State of Washington had required. Some of my feelings I believe were culturally ingrained, small town, some of it just ignorance, and the rest natural.

Even before I had any kind of tangible relationship with God, I had an awareness of Him. I remember that first sexual encounter as feeling overall wrong. I believe it was God’s small voice and the fact that it didn’t feel natural, but/and all at the same time it was very natural. So why all this confusion? Because the pleasure was natural and good, but the relationship was wrong. God made me, and all of us, so much more than just someone’s personal pleasure-servant.

Because deep down I wanted to be accepted by my peers, my “friends”, I would do whatever for this. I would lie just to save face, and I would do things, and participate in things that I perceived as a way to gain acceptance.  The events that took place in that tent were only the beginning of nearly 5 years of sexual encounters with the same friend. I never felt right about it, but always desired it. I hated it and wanted it. This “friend” would constantly ask me to do new things, always for him, and always denying me outside of the events.

Then one day, about 4 and a half years into this, it happened – he completely rejected me calling me gay, unwanted, and threatening to use it as blackmail if I ever said anything. But then a month later he “invited” me to a lakefront cabin.

Adam and Eve had sex, fully aware of God’s presence… This is the significant difference that I am now rebuilding into my sexuality. It has taken over a decade of processing to even begin to feel sexually at peace.