No small talk

I have a lot of principles, values, and priorities that I like to tell myself I live by.  Things like honesty, loving others, being a good listener, integrity, authenticity, etc.  Many of which are of course motivated by my relationship with God.  However, I can say and proclaim as many of these things as I want until I’m blue in the face… none of it matters.  None of it matters unless I’m actually doing these things, being true to them.. Now this sounds pretty harsh, even borderline religious or legalistic.

I don’t like lying to myself, I don’t like saying I am one thing, when really I am not.  I’ll go as far as to say, if you call yourself a Christian, if you have a relationship with Jesus, and you’re not living out your values… then you’re probably experiencing some fairly stressful feelings and situations.  I say this because every time I do something against what I value, I feel it, I feel the stress of being at odds with myself (normally by being grumpy, rude, mean to my wife).  So, this is why I actually schedule my values into my calendar, so that I can live out my priorities, and nurture my values.  In this structure I experience life, fellowship, friendship, love, knowledge, family, and all within balance.  It’s freedom, even though at first it’s discipline, but discipline leads to freedom, trust me, I’ve lived it.  Don’t lie to yourself.

So I have no idea who even reads this on any regular basis… apparently there are still about 43 people subscribed to the feed… so someone cares

Now, what do I have to say these days?  I guess a lot, but not a lot.  There are a lot of hot topics out there, many of which have all kinds of commentary you can easily find.  So what can I talk about that is unique?  Different?  Relevant? – that’s my challenge.  A lot of people simply don’t like to read a lot, I myself find it hard to read long posts.  So how do I write something that I myself would read?  That’s my conundrum.

So I’ll talk about myself, it’s easy enough, and might be interesting to someone, and certainly isn’t repeating anything anyone else is talking about….

I’ll keep it short, and hopefully give some extra time to each point in following posts… firstly, I’m finding myself come full circle in a lot of things, but mostly in my faith in Jesus.  For the past few years I kept looking for “more”, to find some kind of “better” experience, a life with Christ that was “more” like the early church.  In this pseudo journey for “more” I have discovered that I had it all along, it’s just that I was looking for others to do it, when in reality, it only takes me to have a church experience that I desired.

You might ask, what kind of things was I desiring?  Authenticity, generosity, genuine love, and hearts after God.  It seems that somewhere along the way I forgot that God used humans, people who make mistakes.  Over the past few years I have realized that those things that I listed are all it takes to see the magnificent things of the early Church show up in today’s Church.   The key to provoking that kind of culture in our churches?  Humility, repentance, and forgiveness!

Any group of believers who have humility, repentance, and forgiveness as their foundation for relationship building, will experience the authenticity, generosity, genuine love, and heart of God in people,  just as the early Church did.  This is what I believe Jesus meant when he said “and even greater things you will do”.  What’s greater than healing the sick, raising the dead, and the repentance of sin?  It’s people living in harmony, love, and for each other rather than themselves!

So often we talk about surrendering and giving God “everything”, yesterday on my (very long) ride home I began to think of all the possibilities of life… if I gave “everything” – it was amazing. It is frustrating to think of how it could be, and how much my selfish pride keeps me from doing it.

Many times I feel stuck due to the “responsibilites” of this world – which in a way are part of my “giving everything” – if I’m going to “give” everything I better give these responsibilites to God as well. I think giving him “everything” must include giving him our attitudes towards work, our spouses, our relationships, and all the other responsibilities – and then allowing him to work in those things – not running from them.

It’s time to surrender this stuff, to give God my worries, frustrations, and all the details – I can’t do it anyway. At the same time I have to see what he is asking and how.

One of the many reasons I don’t write on here anymore is that, as self-focused as it sounds, I think far to hard about what people may think about what I’m writing.  So, I end up canceling out any thoughts with silly weird arguments about why not to post something.  The whole idea behind this blog in the first place was simply to write about what I was thinking, about life, about God, about people, etc… But with more and more of what I (we) are doing in the future, I feel I need to filter things far more than I would like.

I suppose the challenge is that I should write in a way that I still express myself honestly, and at the same time in a way that honors the God that I so claim to follow and love.  Yet, many times the things I’m thinking about are about the disappointments of life, which are all quite real, and need to be discussed.  I know there are plenty of people who appreciate the reality, but I also know (all to well) there are people who want to “make sure God is involved” – and then there’s the “You’re going to be a missionary, right?, YES!  So, don’t you think you should be positive and focused on God… well yes… but…”  I understand these comments, I really do, and at the same time I strive to not be religious and not be giving pat, common, text-book, Christian answers.  God is far bigger than that.

So here I start on a very long, overdue, rant and soap box… however I will start with the core of my God-given heart’s desire in life….  I wrote the following and realized it was a bit convoluted, but maybe it will start some conversation, and then I can clarify with posts to address the questions and/or discussion that comes – or maybe it will just sit here and I’ll create conversation in my head and post my thoughts as I go…

The strongest passion I have for others is that they be encouraged in their walk with God, and not just in the private aspect of a relationship with God but in the ministry piece.  In fact, sometimes I wonder if our walk with God is truly full unless we are actively ministering to those around us.  I often find myself frustrated, disappointed, and concerned for the “Church” do to the apparent lack of concern for caring (ministry) to others.  Then again, I find myself equally frustrated by myself because I myself do not step up when I know that God has given me many opportunities.

So, as a person who is fully aware of what God is calling me, and my family to do, I am constantly looking for ways to encourage others to trust God, and take risks.  Many times throughout biblical stories we see the characters faced with life-changing risks.  The blessings that come from following through, and having the discipline to honor God with our decisions, are more than I could ever explain in a short posting here.

The challenge every person faces come not in the big decisions, but in the everyday decisions, the choices that are presented to us when we first greet our co-workers in the morning, or how we engage in conversation with our peers.  Yet there are so many forces which drive our interactions with those around us, everything from how our parents treated us, how “popular” we were in school, to poor choices and uncontrollable life circumstances that eat at our soul and take us off track.

Most of what I write is simply me processing the events that I witness, in the Church and outside the Church, as I see people of all statuses and of all walks I am humbled to know God as I do.  I am challenged each day with the ideas of why has God given us, my family,  the joy of having such amazing family and friends…. while others are seemingly aloof, floating around in this world without any connection points.   Then I am reminded that it was because someone, at some point, obeyed God, and reached out, took a while to minister to someone, who did the same, who eventually ministered to me, and the same to Alexis.

I thank God for those that have this discipline, this passion, for I am eternally grateful.  I wish to not be like these people because of these great things, I wish to do these things because our God has an amazing and wonderful life to give us, when we surrender to him.  This is the heart of everything I am, want to be, and will be.  I have nothing to be discouraged by, as long as I am choosing to obey and discipline myself… even then God’s grace is sufficient if I fail to meet “the mark”.

Let those that have ears hear.  May those in the Church be encouraged to take the risks, the “lost” have the choice, only if they experience it though, we also have a choice – but I’m not so sure we can easily forget (that voice is pretty consistent) when we choose to ignore it.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my current walk with God – and my current assesment is that God is messy, but that’s because he’s dealing with messy people.  There is so much jacked up stuff in this world, and for me, the picture just keeps growing and getting bigger and bigger.  My heart is overwhelmed by the mess.  The only thing that keeps me going is worshipping God, allowing him to show me his love, and with every love encounter with him I can not do anything but worship him.

There is a lot I could write about, so much, so many people and things that are a burden right now.  None of it is “bad”, it’s all just big, messy, and hard to deal with.  This messy God, is a great and amazing God, and for whatever reason, this is a season of learning all about what he sees, and it isn’t all good- it’s heart wrenching.  Yet, knowing these things, feeling what I believe he feels, humbles me to the point of nearly constant prayer and worship.  My feelings and emotions are raw, and they are hard to explain, I feel sad, angry, and overwhelmed with love all at the same time.

Some more thoughts from my commute home, I’ll fix up the post from a computer later.

Ever since the tent incident, I have struggled with the desire for sexual pleasure outside of marriage. Learning about this kind of “on-demand” pleasure set me up for much confusion, some of which continues to this day. For me the pleasure was escape, escape from the constant voice that said I was not important, not cool, and not needed. However, as I turned to masturbation and lived from fantasy to fantasy I just could not get the same level of pleasure.

I began using the Internet for playing out all kinds of fantasies. The “friend” from the tent also would use fantasy ideas on me, and I would unwillingly allow it to happen. Overtime I found myself hating and desiring all of it. I questioned my sexual orientation for years, with my heart desiring women and my flesh desiring the fantasies.

From 12 years old to 20, I never told a single soul of my struggles nor of the events that took place. I felt trapped. Around the age of 15, the “friend” finally disappeared from my life and I thank God that I never actually tried to live out any of the fantasies or pursue anything with anyone else.

So how would I get to the place that I am today? It all started 10 years ago… but I’ll have to write that tomorrow – Next stop: Gresham City Hall, one more stop to go.

I have been following Josh’s blog series on Sex and have fully enjoyed every word written.  When it comes to the ideas revolving around human sexuality I have so many places I could go with it.  As many things in my life these days it is hard to know where to start, as nothing anymore is black and white.  So, I decided to start with the most logical beginning I could think of – a chorographical story of my sex life.  I’ll spring into different sub-topics as we walk along the path.

The following is simply my own personal observations, experiences, and feelings at the time of the said events.  Some of the events may be described in details that some may find offensive, I include them so the depth of reality can be reached.  Because sexuality can have so many connotations, both inside and outside the American Christian culture I simply ask just one thing of my readers, don’t add nor subtract from my words.  If something doesn’t make sense or you want clarification – all you need to do is ask – don’t assume, presume, nor fill in the blanks.  I will be writing in small chunks for the short attention span readers out there.

My first experience with sexuality came around the age of 12, in a tent in the backyard of a friend’s house.  This friend was a couple of years older than I was, I remember him asking me “Do you masturbate”… I think I said yes, only because I had heard of it, but didn’t really know what it was.  He proceeded to undress himself and ask me to give him a “hand job” – which I had no idea what he meant, I think he thought I was afraid or something and so instead, he grabbed my hand, and said “like this” and proceeded to demonstrate what he wanted me to do to him.  I distinctly remember having this feeling of utter, guilt, confusion, fear, and curiosity all at the same time.  After he was satisfied, he then proceeded to “help” me experience my first orgasm by way of a hand job as well.  The whole incident laid the groundwork for my sex life.  At the time, I was not sure why I felt what I felt, there were strong feelings, both good and bad, there was shame, and there was pleasure.

The feelings I associated that day I believe stem from my ignorance at the time (not having sexual advice, ideas, nor values passed down to me) and from my own insecurity as a pre-teen that put all my identity into what other’s thought of me.  More on those last two points later on, for now we can just dwell on this first sexual encounter and mull over those thoughts.

Just about every day, my thoughts are invaded with the idea of “His will be done and his Kingdom come” and I always start to think what on earth does that look like?  I think I get the “His will be done” part – for the most part, listening, and obeying what I hear him ask me to do.

But this “and his Kingdom come…” part is what I get stuck on.  Now someone could easily “go logical” on us and say, well if you are letting his will be done (listening and obeying) then his kingdom is advancing…  Yes, that makes sense, yet I believe there is a lot more than just a simple cause and effect formula to this kingdom thing.

For me the Kingdom of God here on earth “as it is in heaven” is well beyond my understanding, it’s more emotional, more carnal.  The Kingdom is the Church, the people, the relationships, all of which are connected by the ribbon of God flowing through our lives.  The Kingdom is here on earth when I stop and take  a moment to pray for my friends, when I have coffee with someone, when I text a word of encouragement.  These things to me are letting the Kingdom come.  Yes those things are also His will living through my life.  For the Kingdom to come, his will must be done.  For his will to be done, the kingdom must come.

If a day goes by and a relationship isn’t touched, a soul not encouraged, a person’s thoughts not effected, or a prayer not offered up on behalf of another – then I wonder “have I let the Kingdom come today?”

Let his kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven…..  as it is in heaven – that’s my next idea to ponder.

It is easy to get caught up in the ups and downs of life.  Making sure the details are done, that things are communicated, it could go on forever, trying to make all the pieces of life come together.  While getting the pieces in order are important, I hope I never neglect relationships because I’m trying make stuff happen.  There are times where things need to get done, but I have made a promise to God, myself, and others that I will put them first, the feeding of a person’s soul is more important, and always will be, than the finishing of projects.  Projects are measurable, people are priceless.

For me to do any ministry with integrity, I must remain authentic to my heart.  If that means approaching someone in confrontation, or being the one to point out the elephant in the room when it wouldn’t be the popular thing to do – than that’s what it means.  But I do it in grace, and with integrity for others in mind, and above all else… I do it while depending on the Holy Spirit to guide the words, the timing, and the love.  It’s hard, but the more I walk in it, the more I see God’s hand and heart for all of humanity.

I have been reading Don Miller’s “Blue like Jazz” for a week or so now, on my daily 1 hour commute each way.  The MAX can be quite the cultural experience, and for the most part I like it.  But combine a challenging book such as “Blue like jazz” and you might just end up frustrated.  You see, this book gets to the core of what Christianity really is, really “should” be, the spiritual piece, not the standard life-behavior rhetoric we usually hear.

But this triggers voices inside that are at odds with my origins.  First of all I’m suddenly convicted of not caring for people when I thought I did – my head does, I know what is right but if I don’t actually do it – then do I really believe it?  For example, there was a guy who got on the train at the same place as I, he was quite confused, a little slow, and kept bothering people on how to get to some place he had written on a piece of paper.  The whole time I heard God telling me to help him, possibly go with him the whole way to his destination… but the voice of fear said otherwise, and I kept reading the book – which threw me into a tornado of thoughts, and made me realize how much I fear rejection – even though I don’t let it emotionally bother me – but that’s probably because I don’t let it happen anymore.

None the less I am sure God put another person on the train – because moments later another guy got on and sat next to the confused dude, and within minutes he was describing to him in details how the Portland Transit system works, and where to get off to get to his destination (which apparently didn’t make sense, something like take the Yamhill bus to 10, and 10 to Yamhill… ummm).  Anyway – this is just a very small example of the thoughts going on from about 6am to 7am and 3:30 to 4:30 these days.